近況報告

随分と長い間かいとらんかった

書く気がなかなか出んかった

オーストラリア行くんやめた

結局バイト休みたいって言えんし

さらに加えてお願いされたこと断れんし

オーストラリア行って元気でおれる自信ないし

ま、とにかく自分に自信がないということで

行かんことにした

AUS for a month

I decided to spend a whole August in Australia.
The school I taught Japanese 3 years ago says
it is okay if I come back and join the classes.

My former host family kindly offered me a place to stay.

Everything is going so well.
And I'm a bit afraid.

Whenever things are going well,
I get anxious and hope that I fail.

I don't know why.
This is just how I think.

Anyway, I decided to do it
to find out what or which I wanna do.

To be a Japanese language teacher?
or
To be a researcher or hopefully a professor?

I may like to be a teacher.
If so, I don't need Ph.D.

I'll figure out which path  I take this summer.

Back home

I move back to A's apartment last night.
So many things happened since I left home
and I finally realized how much he cares about me.

I still don't trust him
but I think he doesn't either.

I also realized that I actually have many friends
who help me very much.

I should appreciate it.

平行線

昨日話し合い

やっぱりお酒は一生一緒に飲めないって

穏やかな昼下がり
井の頭公園を散歩しながら
カフェで楽しそうに
ワイン片手に笑ってる人たち

うらやましい

私はただこういうこと
楽しみたいだけなのに

Aのいう楽しみ
映画を見たり
ドラマをみたり
料理を作ったり
ゴロゴロしたり

全部やってきたし
これからもやっていける

私の好きなことはひとつなのに
絶対二度と一緒に楽しめない

これは悲しすぎる

それだからといって
他の人と誰とでもいいってわけじゃない

それはAとできないことの
うめあわせでしかない

だから人と飲んで
飲み過ぎて
すさんだ気持ちで帰って来てたんだ

何をしたいんだろう。。。リベンジ？

最近いろんな人から「元気？」「大丈夫？」って聞かれる
そんなに疲れた顔してるんかなと思っとったら
昨日その理由が発覚！

旦那がいろんな人に私がアル中やって言い回っとるみたい

ほんなこと普通やるか？
そこまでやるか？

親や親戚まではええとして
facebook通じて私のバイト先の上司やら
うちらがよく行きよったカフェや居酒屋にも
「お酒飲ませないように」って言い回っとる

ほんで私の前では犠牲者ぶって
私の罪悪感を大きくさせよる

何がしたいんやって感じ

こんなんされたらやり直そって気も失せる

社会の私の評価を下げることで
私の行き場をなくして
自分に帰ってくるんを求めとんか

それともただ単に復讐なんか

ようやっと離れて明るくなってきた生活が
またいっきに闇へと戻ってしもた

ほんまに私を病気にして
自分の非を正当化したいんやろう
せこっ

こんなにされても相手を理解しようと
しよる自分がなんか馬鹿に思える

病院行かされて薬飲まされて
カウンセリング受けさされて
こんだけ病気や病気や言われるけど
「心配されとる、ありがたいこっちゃ」
って思わないかんてこと？

謎。。。

It was a good choice to go back to my hometown

Today, I came back in Tokyo.

I met my friends  and they said I looked much better than before.
I think so, too.

It was a good decision to go back.
No one said I was sick or not normal.
They accepted me as I am.
I got back my confidence.

I'm recharged.

Give him time and space

This is an advice I got today.

I wanted this situation to end as soon as possible.
But I'm the one who started this situation.
This is another words I got today.

I'm terrible at expressing how I really think or feel.
I always tell things sarcastically.
I can't express my feeling straight.

I thought A understood me like this well.

This time, I feel different.
I'll have to play a role as a " bad guy".
No excuse will be able to be accpeted.
What should I do?

Should I just disapper?

wanna disappear 消えてしまいたい

とうとう状況に耐えられず実家へ
家族はやはり家族だった

I'm not sick.
I look healther than before.
I look like I used to be.

みんなそう言う
普段の私を見ていないからなのか
because they always stand by me.
I don't know.

薬なんか飲みなさんな
あんたが病気ならみんな病気よ
病院？カウンセリング？ありえんやろ
西洋人は精神が弱いんだからなんでもかんでも
カウンセリングで解決するもんと思ってるん
アル中っていうんはお前なんかと違う
That's what I heard from them.

でもなんだか思った
家族が他人のようになり
他人が他人でなくなりつつある

なぜだろう？
今頼れるのはAじゃない

Am I not ill?
Am I not strange?
Shoul I keep taking medicines?

全て聞いて納得ある答えをくれる人は
Only one person that I trust right now.

でもその人が私を救ってくれるわけでもない





私をとる？
アルコールをとる？
何その質問。。。

アルコールは目的じゃなく手段
それをわかってくれたのはthat person only

I don't wanna be a friend
who misunderstand me so much like this.

死にたいなら今すぐ死ねば
How can she say a thing like this?
生きられない、生きるのが苦しい
と
死にたい
とは違うんだけど。。。

それに家族のことを思うと自殺なんてできない
苦しんで苦しんで苦しんでいる私を
さらに苦しませる一言を発したあの人は
not my best friend anymore.

お酒がやめられないからじゃない
何にも理解されてないことに絶望したから
I answered that I wouldn't chose her.



東京はひとを病気にする
この明るい世界にみんなを連れてきたい

Hatred

We had a big fight last night.
A doesn't wanna change his way
and I don't either.
There is no negotiation between us.

I started seeing a counselor and a doctor
as A told me to do and I hated to do it.
I take medicines which I know are addictive.
I tried to change, at least.

A still declines when I ask him to do what I want
and tells me what to do and what not to do.
Even if he are kind enough to do what I want to do,
his face tells me how awful he's feeling.

I am sick of this.

And I can't meet someone who has the same hobby as me
unless A know and likes the person.

I am sick of living like this.

I've told A many times how I feel.
Nothing changed.

Why should we live together?
Whenever we talk, we fight.
What's good about it?

Francis Bacon Exhibitions フランシスベーコン展

http://bacon.exhn.jp/en/index.html

I realized when I was seventeen.
I remember it very clearly. 
I remember looking at a dogｰshit on the pavement 
and suddenly realized, there it is ｰ this is what life is like.

Francis Bacon

Recently... 最近…

I feel like I'm the only one who wants to write this blog.
I've been busy thinking of us.
Of course, my parti-time jobS kill me.
このブログ書きたいんは私だけかもと思う
うちらについて考よる
バイトも忙しい

I may keep being told that I am sick forever.
一生、病気やって言われつづけるかも

But there are people who don't look me like that.
I started to make new friends.
Good for me, I hope.
でもそんなふうに私を見ん人たちもおる
新しい友達作り始めた
うまくいくとええが

Raffaello ラファエロ

We went to National Museum of Western Art in Ueno yesterday.
We ( A & Y) and our friends, H from South Korea and Y from Brazil.
昨日上野の西洋美術館に行ってきた
Aと私と韓国出身Hとブラジル出身Y

We are all in our doctor's course and have the same part-time job at the library.
Except for A.
うちらみんな博士後期課程で図書館で同じバイトしとる
A以外はね

I liked this.
これ好き

The man behind is Raffaello himself.

But there are various opinions on who the man in front of him is.

I liked the one that says the man is  an image of his inner self.

後ろの男の人はラファエロらしい

でもその前の人がだれかについて諸説あり

この男の人がラファエロの内面性を映し出しとるという説が私は一番好きやったかな

I had an audio guide which A payed.

Because recently I can't read long texts well and it is so tiring to go through a bunch of people to get close to read the descriptions beside the paintings.

Thanks to the audio guide, I didn't get so tired this time.

I should have one always even it costs.

アクセルが音声ガイド買ってくれた

買ってくれたというんか借りてくれたというか

とにかく払ってくれた

最近長文読めんくなったし絵の近くにある説明読むために人ごみかきわけるん疲れるし

音声ガイドのおかげでそんなに疲れんかった

いっつも借りよ、高くても

We had fika then went home.

I don't know why, but I didn't get so tired today.

And I forgot taking the medicines for 2 nights.

そのあとお茶して帰宅

ようわからんが今日はそんなに疲れんかった

2日も薬飲むん忘れとったのに

Is it better not taking them?

薬飲まんほうがええんか？

Just wanna say

I'm drunk and working at school.
How come do they let a drunk person work?
Lack of workers.
Bad governance.

I hate this world.

父よ Dear Father

携帯の電池パック届いた
I've got a battery for my cell phone.

ありがとう

Thank you.

Sunday walk

There is a man wandering in our neighbors.
He's always talking with someone whenever we see him.

The day before yesterday, we went for a walk for Vitgris.
We released him in the small grass area near our house.

Then the man came and started talking to us.
He told which grass rabbits can eat
and warn us that there are many places that weed killer has been scattered.

We took as much grass as we can and say good-by to him.

Then he said it was his garden.

Wow, he should have told us that first.
I didn't remember whether I should say thank you or sorry
in Japanese in the case like this.
Well, it seemed quite okay to pick some grass from his garden.

He had many interesting stories.
I hope we can talk with him soon sometime.

Black Out （１）瞬間的な失神（２）一時的な記憶喪失

I had black out yesterday.
It was the second time that I had it during daytime.

I can think of some reasons.
And I see the sequence or how it happens.

1. lack of sleeping for a couple of weeks
2. take 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 the night before
3. drink alcohol during the day
4. blackout
5. came back better
6. go back to 1.

Yesterday, I was with Yamako.
She helped me a lot.
She called my part-time work place and explained that I didn't feel well.
Then she called a taxi and took me to the bed.
She missed her appointment at the clinic she really needed.
I feel bad.
How can I stop this?

Baby on his baby mat.

Really, he's a teenager.
But even so he can't walk properly on the flooring so Y found him these soft tiles that will hopefully give better purchase (but still be easy to clean in case o wet accidents).
Hopefully this doesn't lead to neon-colored poop from eating the mat.

This is what I am going through

So, now it's obvious that I am drunk even in the morning, even at school.
I can't meet people without being prepared with some alcohol.
A suggested me to see a special doctor.
But you know, who cares.
who cares I am drunk?
As long as I say YES and I do my job well,
no one wants to know how I am or how I feel.
All I have to do is to be a part of the whole system.
No objection.
No passion.

Why am I doing like this?
What's the meaning of life?

I've been drinking since this morning.
I had lunch twice and still eating 1kg of beef steak, ramen, soba, udon and more.
And I will go and but more when I eat them up.

My father... 意外

父が意外にもこのブログ見て
よくメールで返信くれる。
I didn't think that my father checked this blog so often.
He gives me response about articles by e-mail.

ブログ自体にコメントするのは
やはりGmailアカウントが必要なのか？
But does he need Gmail account
to comment on the blog?

でもありがたいっす。
It's great that we communicate even in this way.

いつもメールありがとう。
Thank you very mush for your e-mails, dad.

the wedding fair ウエディングフェア

A explained what wedding fair is on the last article.
So, I skip it.
Aがウェディングフェアについては
前の記事で説明したんで省略

Actually, we had fun.
We had to talk about when and how we want to have our imaginary wedding
but we also learned a lot about how others do and like.
意外と楽しかった
うちらの架空のウェディングについて話さないかんかったけど
他の人がどうしよるかとか色々勉強にもなった

After one hour of discussion,
we got food tasting.
1時間に及ぶお話の後
試食

Delicious antipasto

おいしい前菜

Pizza shaped in Hart

ハート型のピザ

in the limo to the Sinjuku station

新宿駅までリムジン車

Wedding Fraud

Today we're heading out to pose as prospective wedding celebratees.
That is, we will claim to plan a wedding feast, and let a wedding halls give us free food in an effort to get our business.

If it's not to painful to deflect the sales pitch that will surely accompany the food, we might do this many times.

Native Check

My job, at home and at work, is to perform native checks.... of English....
It's such a fraud. But Y is aware of the fact, and says I'm performing 50% of a native check.
At work, I think I'm rated higher than that. My judgment is called for, not only concerning English, but also French, Italian, Spanish, Dutch, Danish and various other languages.
Great fun.

To eat or to love? 食べるため？愛でるため？

Trainer for braces (日本語訳わかんない・・・)

I do my best.

がんばる。

Biriyani ビリヤー二

Yesterday, my co-leagues, A and I went to eat Indian food in Musashisakai.
It was named " Biriyani Night".
But I wasn't sure what it was.
昨日、同僚とAと私で武蔵境のインド料理屋へ行った
「ビリヤーニ・ナイト」
ビリヤーニが何か知らんかったけど

First, a delicious salad bowl came.
まずは美味しい美味しいサラダ

And then 3 different types of Biriyani.

Many kinds of Curry and nan.

それから3種類のビリヤーニ

いろんなカレーたち

It was so good.

For good that I forgot taking photos.

めちゃ美味しかった

美味しすぎて写真とるの忘れた

So, next, here comes the desert.

ゆえに次はデザート

Milky bars with coconuts.

ココナッツ入ったミルクバー

This is called "Happy Yogurt".

Ice cream in yogurt with a bit of rum.

「ハッピーヨーグルト」

ラム酒入りヨーグルトの中にアイス

The greatest chai. 

めちゃうまいチャイ

Nightmares 悪夢

I haven't been able to sleep

more than 5 hours

since I started taking medicines.

薬の見始めてから

5時間以上寝とらん

A is kind enough to bear with me.

Aはよう我慢してくれとる

We had Game night at our friend S's.

I slept only for 2 hours 

since I woke up yesterday morning.

昨日は友人S宅でゲーム・ナイト

昨日の朝起きてから

2時間しか寝てない

Now is the time to take a nap.

But I always have strange dreams.

I had nightmares sometimes

since the time I can remember.

And the medicines give me 

the worst dreams ever.

今は昼寝の時間でしょう

でもいっつも変な夢見る

物心ついて頃からすでに

悪夢を見てた記憶がある

そして薬がもっとすばらしい

夢を見させてくれよります

1. Vitgris gave many births to 3 headed baby rabbits.

    Babies had  little long necks and squashed faces.

1.しろぶたが頭3つある赤ちゃんウサギを産む

　赤ちゃんたちは長い首で顔はつぶれとった

2. Black sesame-like tiny balls coming out from my palms,

   then turned out to be chopped onion when I tried to wash them off.

  Of course, I can't wash them off because new ones were came out one after another.

2.黒ごまみたいな小さな粒が手のひらから出てきて

　洗い流したときみじん切りのタマネギやってわかった

　もちろん、洗ても洗ても次々出でくるんで洗いとれん

I have goose bumps even just writing about it.

Especially, 2.

書くだけで鳥肌たつ

特に2

Earthquake 地震

I got a call from my father this morning.
A big shake in Awaji,
where my youngest sister, Kyoko lives.
今朝父上から電話
一番したの妹が住んでる
淡路ででかい揺れがあったそうな

She is alright.
協子は大丈夫でーす

It wasn't big as 3.11
but was the biggest after 3.11.
3.11ほど大きくないが
3.11後1番大きい地震

Awaji has experienced a huge earthquake in 1995.
So, most of the buildings are new
and no serious damages this time.
淡路は1995年にも巨大地震経験しとるので
ほとんどの建物が新しくて
今回は被害少ないような

Humans learn and become strong.
人間は学び、強うなります


By the way,
Vitgris comes to me for grass.
And he follows me around.
So cute.
ところで
しろぶたが草欲しさに
寄ってくるようになりました
後ろちょこちょこついてくるし
かわいい〜

Harness on!

That didn't take long (the indoors photo is from last night).

And, this morning we could take Vitgris to the university grounds for a walk!

First comes the saddle

or the harness as it were.

We are trying to get him used to the harness so we can take him out to the park, but it's not easy.
He refuses to put his legs through the holes. So as a first step I'm trying to get him to accept on his back.
He doesn't.

But I'm more persistent then he is.

Soon, we'll post a picture of Vitgris on a leash munching fresh, green grass.

Turkish Restaurant near A's office Aの会社近くのトルコ料理屋

Bättreo the Betta got better. ベタのベトレオ元気になりました

By the way, university started yesterday.

I haven't written about myself for long.

I was so into our rabbit recently.

ところで、昨日大学始まりました

自分のことについて長らく書いとらんかった

最近うさぎのことばかり

I was supposed to take 2 lectures yesterday.

But after the first one, I found myself so exhausted.

So, I decided to take 1 lecture on 1 day.

But I have to take 3 seminars this year.

And I have my part-time jobS,too.

I thought it was good to have 2 on a same day.

But my mental can't keep up with it.

( so many "But")

昨日は2つ授業取る予定やった

でも1つめのあとめっちゃ疲れてしもた

ということで1日1授業と決めた

でも今年3つゼミ取らないかん

同じ日に2つ授業取るってええと思ったんやけど

精神がついていかんかった

Y, my best friend came up with a good idea.

親友Yがいいアイデアをくれた

We can take summer/winter intensive seminar, too.

And if I'm with her, I can manage 

to stay in the class from 8:30-17:00, Mon to Fri.

Just one week.

I can do it!

夏期／冬期集中講義も取れるんやん

でもしYと一緒なら一週間

朝から晩まで授業でもええやろ

たった一週間

やれるさーーーーー！？

So, this was about my first day at school.

Everything went okay.

ま、初日はこういう感じ

まあ上手くいった

Though I needed to have wine in my bag.

鞄にワイン入れとかないかんかったけど

AND そして

I bought these after the wonderful lunch.

Swedish Restaurant in Kichijoji 吉祥寺のスウェーデン料理店

waving flag

thinking of his home

gammel dansk tonic

Danger!!! 大変!!!

This morning, I found something wrong with Bättreo.
He hadn't had much appetite.
I should have noticed that the water was poisoned
by stones which we decorated near an oil bottle.
A little bit of oil leaked from the oil bottle
and the stones were coated by the oil.

Stupid me.
I put them in the aquarium.
I washed them well though.

So, when I checked him this morning,
he could hardly swim.
He was just floating on his side.
It was a scary moment.

A and I took out all the stones
and put him in fresh water.

When we came home this evening,
he seemd to have gotten better.

But still sometimes he is like this.

 SHOCKING!!!

Will he be like this forever?
Did I poison him like  a tanker
leaking oil in the Pacific Ocean?

I really want to have some advice.

Words of gratitude

for the delicious lunches this week.

The writing however was done by the corny staff at Tsukada Noujou, a restaurant in Chofu a couple of train stops away from us.

The food is delicious, but the staff would do well to not be so obnoxiously loud. The salarymen here are loud rowdy enough without encouragement.

But the was not to point of this post.
The point was to say thanks for the lunch boxes that has allowed me to be productive through this week.

Kram!

Too cute to leave him alone 可愛すぎる〜

I was about to go and buy something to eat.
And I knew I was gonna buy so much and eat them all.
なんか食べもん買いに行こうとしよったとき。
きっと超大量買いするって分かってた。

It's hard not to lose control when I'm alone.
A started working this April.
I'm at home alone from 9 to 20.
Danger!!!
一人のとき自制心を保つことってむずい。
Aはこの4月に働き始め
私は9時から20時まで家で一人
危険じゃあああああ！！！

But Vitgris came to me and said "booboo".
(Rabbits actually sound like that.)
でもしろぶたがやって来て「ぶーぶー」って。
（うさぎってブブって鳴くよ）

Thank you, Vitgris.
I'll let you eat fresh grass instead of letting myself eat too much.
しろぶた、ありがとう。
自分が食べ過ぎる変わりにフレッシュな草あげる

Having a new family is not about the money 新しい家族が来たけんてお金めっちゃかかるわけやない

It's not about the money.
We don't need buying.
I just wanna be creative.
Forget about the time loss.

Vitgris likes to stay still under our dining table.
We struggled to get him back in the cage last night.
A found him outside the cage in the middle of night.
It took him about 40 mins to get him back.
All of these are because we were told that
we shouldn't touch Vitgris until a week passes.
And we can't close the top (loof) of the cage
bacause  Bätterio's aquarium are higher than that.
しろぶたは食卓テーブルの下でじーっとするんが好き
昨日の夜はケージに戻すん苦労した
Aは夜中にしろぶたがケージの外に出トンのを発見
戻すのに40分くらいかかったらしい
これは全部、1週間しろぶたを触っちゃあかんと
ペットショップの人に言われたけん
ほんでベッテリオの水槽があるんで
ケージの上(屋根の部分?)閉じれんし

According to a staff at the pet shop,
Vitgris needs one week to get used to the new surrounding.
But he is already not afraid of going in out toilet and have a rest.
Now, he's running back and forth in the kitchen and my room.
I don't think he's not ready.
But rabbits can be dead by just holding up
if they get so surprised.
So, I let him do whatever he wants to for a while.
ペットショップの人によると
しろぶた、新しい環境に慣れるために1週間ぐらい必要らしい
でもすでにうちらのトイレに入って休むくらい元気
今は台所を私の部屋を行ったり来たりしよる
でもうさぎって抱き上げるだけで死ぬ可能性あるんやて
ショックで死ぬ
やけん、しばらくはしろぶたの好きなようにさせとこ


To do this, I made this.
好きなようにさせとくために
これ作りました〜

The carbon box side can be a slope.

It's low enough for him to play.

段ボール側は坂になっとる

しろぶたが遊べるくらい充分な低さ

A handmade toilet

手作りトイレ

Vitgris helping(?) me
手伝ってくれよる（？）しろぶた

お父さん、ありがとう Thank you, Dad

昨日、父上から
「ブログ、勉強になる」って
メールがありました
Yesterday, I got a text message from my father.
He said he learns a lot from our blog.

英語と日本語の勉強かと思ったら
人生的な（？）内容について
そう言ってくれたんやそうです
First, I thought it was that he mentioned English.
But it wasn't.
What he mentioned is actually the contents,
what we (mainly I) write.

嬉しい！！！
嬉しいぞよ！！！
I'm glad.
I'm soooooooooooooo haaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppy〜.

これまで与えてもろてばかりやったけど
やっとギヴアンドテイク
ちょっと成立したんやろか
I've been given a lot from him since I was born.
But can I  give him something now?





Oh, he also said he had some comments on A's Japanese.
But he've never written in Japanese since this blog started.
At least, my father hasn't checked his diary from mixi,
it means he thought my Japanese is a bit odd.
おぉ、それから「Aの日本語にコメントがある」と。
でもAは一度もこのブログで日本語書いとらんぞ
父上がアクセルもミクシイ日記読んどらん限り
それって私の日本語がちょっと変てことやん


Maybe,
I've written in my dialect.
As my family are separated in Fukuoka and Ehime,
We speak a little differently.
Is that why?
おそらく
わたくし自分の方言で買いとります
うちの家族、福岡と愛媛ばらばらやから
みんなの話し方ちゃうけど
そのせい？

Craft くらふと

He is playful today.
So, I made something I think he will like.
今日はしろぶた、よく動きます
ゆえにちょっとした遊びもの作りました

FIrst, I made a slope.
But he couldn't use it.
Too slippery.
まずは三角
でもしろぶたは使えん様子
滑ってしまう

So, I made steps next.

And I put bubble wraps on them.

で、次に階段を作ってみた

ほんでほの上に気泡緩衝材

It worked.

But I wasn't able to take a good photo of it.

うまくいったで〜

でもええ写真が撮れんかった

New family♡新しい家族

Vitgris

しろぶた

Bätrio 

(Siamese fighting fish)

Because it known as "Betta"(/ˈbɛtə/),

I named him so.
ベットリオ
（ベタ）
スウェーデン語でbetterはbättre
それと南欧系のioを足した
でも生産国はタイ

and BuBu
そしてブブ

This creature has been here for quite a while.
この生き物はここに結構長く生息しておる

on the way home 帰り道

I went to the university to get a syllabus today.
On the way home, I found beautiful flowers.
今日シラバス取りに大学へ
帰り道、綺麗なお花発見

It's so nice to have a little bit of time
to stop a bit and look around us.
ちょっと立ち止まって周りを見回す
時間の余裕をちょこっと持つことって大事

I didn't have it for long.
そういう時間、ずっとなかったな

His first work day 出社一日目

I encourage him with some samba remix.
サンバリミックスで送り出し

Another grattis party

We had lunch at soba-noodle restaurant.

It was A's happy graduation day.

Zenmai(warm-like vegetable) Japanese flowering fern

Fu (bread-like one on the left) wheat gluten 

and mackerel or horse mackerel

How to eat zenmai properly

(No!)

Hegi-soba (soba noodle and what's "hegi"?)

We haven't eaten this type of soba.

The noodles contains kelp in them.

The Kelp keep the noodle stick together.

Probably, wheat is used to do it with regular soba. 

A not too sweet sweet called anmitsu

jelly made from seaweed called agar jelly

small mochi balls whose green'v got mugwort in it

little black salty beans called mitsumame 

anko on the top

green tea and sweet black syrip aside