何をしたいんだろう。。。リベンジ？

最近いろんな人から「元気？」「大丈夫？」って聞かれる
そんなに疲れた顔してるんかなと思っとったら
昨日その理由が発覚！

旦那がいろんな人に私がアル中やって言い回っとるみたい

ほんなこと普通やるか？
そこまでやるか？

親や親戚まではええとして
facebook通じて私のバイト先の上司やら
うちらがよく行きよったカフェや居酒屋にも
「お酒飲ませないように」って言い回っとる

ほんで私の前では犠牲者ぶって
私の罪悪感を大きくさせよる

何がしたいんやって感じ

こんなんされたらやり直そって気も失せる

社会の私の評価を下げることで
私の行き場をなくして
自分に帰ってくるんを求めとんか

それともただ単に復讐なんか

ようやっと離れて明るくなってきた生活が
またいっきに闇へと戻ってしもた

ほんまに私を病気にして
自分の非を正当化したいんやろう
せこっ

こんなにされても相手を理解しようと
しよる自分がなんか馬鹿に思える

病院行かされて薬飲まされて
カウンセリング受けさされて
こんだけ病気や病気や言われるけど
「心配されとる、ありがたいこっちゃ」
って思わないかんてこと？

謎。。。

It was a good choice to go back to my hometown

Today, I came back in Tokyo.

I met my friends  and they said I looked much better than before.
I think so, too.

It was a good decision to go back.
No one said I was sick or not normal.
They accepted me as I am.
I got back my confidence.

I'm recharged.

Give him time and space

This is an advice I got today.

I wanted this situation to end as soon as possible.
But I'm the one who started this situation.
This is another words I got today.

I'm terrible at expressing how I really think or feel.
I always tell things sarcastically.
I can't express my feeling straight.

I thought A understood me like this well.

This time, I feel different.
I'll have to play a role as a " bad guy".
No excuse will be able to be accpeted.
What should I do?

Should I just disapper?

wanna disappear 消えてしまいたい

とうとう状況に耐えられず実家へ
家族はやはり家族だった

I'm not sick.
I look healther than before.
I look like I used to be.

みんなそう言う
普段の私を見ていないからなのか
because they always stand by me.
I don't know.

薬なんか飲みなさんな
あんたが病気ならみんな病気よ
病院？カウンセリング？ありえんやろ
西洋人は精神が弱いんだからなんでもかんでも
カウンセリングで解決するもんと思ってるん
アル中っていうんはお前なんかと違う
That's what I heard from them.

でもなんだか思った
家族が他人のようになり
他人が他人でなくなりつつある

なぜだろう？
今頼れるのはAじゃない

Am I not ill?
Am I not strange?
Shoul I keep taking medicines?

全て聞いて納得ある答えをくれる人は
Only one person that I trust right now.

でもその人が私を救ってくれるわけでもない





私をとる？
アルコールをとる？
何その質問。。。

アルコールは目的じゃなく手段
それをわかってくれたのはthat person only

I don't wanna be a friend
who misunderstand me so much like this.

死にたいなら今すぐ死ねば
How can she say a thing like this?
生きられない、生きるのが苦しい
と
死にたい
とは違うんだけど。。。

それに家族のことを思うと自殺なんてできない
苦しんで苦しんで苦しんでいる私を
さらに苦しませる一言を発したあの人は
not my best friend anymore.

お酒がやめられないからじゃない
何にも理解されてないことに絶望したから
I answered that I wouldn't chose her.



東京はひとを病気にする
この明るい世界にみんなを連れてきたい

Hatred

We had a big fight last night.
A doesn't wanna change his way
and I don't either.
There is no negotiation between us.

I started seeing a counselor and a doctor
as A told me to do and I hated to do it.
I take medicines which I know are addictive.
I tried to change, at least.

A still declines when I ask him to do what I want
and tells me what to do and what not to do.
Even if he are kind enough to do what I want to do,
his face tells me how awful he's feeling.

I am sick of this.

And I can't meet someone who has the same hobby as me
unless A know and likes the person.

I am sick of living like this.

I've told A many times how I feel.
Nothing changed.

Why should we live together?
Whenever we talk, we fight.
What's good about it?

Francis Bacon Exhibitions フランシスベーコン展

http://bacon.exhn.jp/en/index.html

I realized when I was seventeen.
I remember it very clearly. 
I remember looking at a dogｰshit on the pavement 
and suddenly realized, there it is ｰ this is what life is like.

Francis Bacon

Recently... 最近…

I feel like I'm the only one who wants to write this blog.
I've been busy thinking of us.
Of course, my parti-time jobS kill me.
このブログ書きたいんは私だけかもと思う
うちらについて考よる
バイトも忙しい

I may keep being told that I am sick forever.
一生、病気やって言われつづけるかも

But there are people who don't look me like that.
I started to make new friends.
Good for me, I hope.
でもそんなふうに私を見ん人たちもおる
新しい友達作り始めた
うまくいくとええが

Raffaello ラファエロ

We went to National Museum of Western Art in Ueno yesterday.
We ( A & Y) and our friends, H from South Korea and Y from Brazil.
昨日上野の西洋美術館に行ってきた
Aと私と韓国出身Hとブラジル出身Y

We are all in our doctor's course and have the same part-time job at the library.
Except for A.
うちらみんな博士後期課程で図書館で同じバイトしとる
A以外はね

I liked this.
これ好き

The man behind is Raffaello himself.

But there are various opinions on who the man in front of him is.

I liked the one that says the man is  an image of his inner self.

後ろの男の人はラファエロらしい

でもその前の人がだれかについて諸説あり

この男の人がラファエロの内面性を映し出しとるという説が私は一番好きやったかな

I had an audio guide which A payed.

Because recently I can't read long texts well and it is so tiring to go through a bunch of people to get close to read the descriptions beside the paintings.

Thanks to the audio guide, I didn't get so tired this time.

I should have one always even it costs.

アクセルが音声ガイド買ってくれた

買ってくれたというんか借りてくれたというか

とにかく払ってくれた

最近長文読めんくなったし絵の近くにある説明読むために人ごみかきわけるん疲れるし

音声ガイドのおかげでそんなに疲れんかった

いっつも借りよ、高くても

We had fika then went home.

I don't know why, but I didn't get so tired today.

And I forgot taking the medicines for 2 nights.

そのあとお茶して帰宅

ようわからんが今日はそんなに疲れんかった

2日も薬飲むん忘れとったのに

Is it better not taking them?

薬飲まんほうがええんか？

Just wanna say

I'm drunk and working at school.
How come do they let a drunk person work?
Lack of workers.
Bad governance.

I hate this world.

父よ Dear Father

携帯の電池パック届いた
I've got a battery for my cell phone.

ありがとう

Thank you.

Sunday walk

There is a man wandering in our neighbors.
He's always talking with someone whenever we see him.

The day before yesterday, we went for a walk for Vitgris.
We released him in the small grass area near our house.

Then the man came and started talking to us.
He told which grass rabbits can eat
and warn us that there are many places that weed killer has been scattered.

We took as much grass as we can and say good-by to him.

Then he said it was his garden.

Wow, he should have told us that first.
I didn't remember whether I should say thank you or sorry
in Japanese in the case like this.
Well, it seemed quite okay to pick some grass from his garden.

He had many interesting stories.
I hope we can talk with him soon sometime.

Black Out （１）瞬間的な失神（２）一時的な記憶喪失

I had black out yesterday.
It was the second time that I had it during daytime.

I can think of some reasons.
And I see the sequence or how it happens.

1. lack of sleeping for a couple of weeks
2. take 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 the night before
3. drink alcohol during the day
4. blackout
5. came back better
6. go back to 1.

Yesterday, I was with Yamako.
She helped me a lot.
She called my part-time work place and explained that I didn't feel well.
Then she called a taxi and took me to the bed.
She missed her appointment at the clinic she really needed.
I feel bad.
How can I stop this?